Shinobi Ficlettes
by Over.Thinking.Daily.Life
Summary: One shots, musings, random scenes, crack- all the Naruto inspired ideas that don't fit into a normal story.
1. In Which Sasuke Loses a Tomato

Mikoto hummed to herself as she washed fresh, tiny tomatoes from the garden. Behind her, her beautiful, tiny Sasuke sat in his highchair, crowing to himself occasionally, as he waited to be fed. Mikoto smiled. It was a good day: Itachi was doing exceptional in all his classes at the Academy. Fugaku was relaxing in their garden, seemingly content about the status of the clan today. Plus-

"Ta da!" She presented the small bowl of fresh tomatoes, still warm from the sun, to her youngest son. Sasuke waved his arms jerkily. He, like most ninja children, was developing motor control rapidly. But extreme emotions could sometimes cause him to forget that. Apparently the sight of his mother bearing a plate of bright red food was one such case. His leg kicked out and he gurgled to himself.

"These are tomatoes, Sasuke. To-may-toes." She cooed. Fugaku sniffed when she spoke to her sons in such a voice, like she never saw him whispering to their babies late at night. Sasuke looked up at her with his little face serious and jerked his fist towards the tomatoes. "Yes, they are. Yes, they are."

He grabbed one in his chubby little hand, contemplating it like it held the answers to the universe.

His eyes were unfanthomly dark, like all their clan. One day, she knew, he would lose something or someone precious to him and the red blood line limit would grow out of the love turned to despair. But she prayed that day was a long day out. She prayed her son wou-

The tomato popped out of his grip and hit the floor with a small thunk.

Red bloomed in Sasuke's eyes, dotted with the distinctive Sharingan commas. A muscle in Mikoto's temple twitched.

"Huh," she thought. "Earlier than Itachi."

A/N: the first thought I had after it was explained that the Sharingan activates after a loss. Because if anyone would be upset about losing food, it would be Sasuke.


	2. A Different Path

Itachi found Sasuke meditating on a mountain.

"Sasuke," Itachi spoke after a moment and Sasuke opened his eyes slowly. His younger brother's hair was shaved and he was dressed in the brown robes of a monk of the fire country. Of all the garbs and locations in the world, Itachi never expected these. The chuunin or Jounin vests of Konoha, absolutely, the best possible outcome. The outlandish garb of a missing nin, sure. Even the black and red robes of the Akatsuki which he himself sported would have been… if not preferable, more expected.

"Itatchi," Sasuke didn't rise from his lotus position, but he smiled up at his brother with genuine pleasure, "It has been a while."

"It has." Personally, Itatchi was a little unnerved by the smile. 'It has been a while' was a touch of an understatement for seeing his brother standing over the corpses of their parents, and Itatchi was king of the understatements.

The silence stretched between them. Sasuke looking entirely unruffled at seeing his only family member returned and Itachi on alert for any sign of insanity or anger. He found none.

Finally, he broke the silence, "You dropped out of the Academy."

"I did," Sasuke agreed pleasantly.

"Why?" The question was blunt, almost rude, but Itatchi was feeling increasingly unnerved by his brother's placid stare.

"There was too much an emphasis on conflict."

"What?"

"It is good to discipline the mind, but why through learning to break another's ribs with taijitsu? It is worthy to expand the mind, but why twist a child's learning towards war and pain? It is essential to connect to your spirit, but why manifest it in ways to harm another?" Sasuke shook his head, "These are all lessons I learned later. At the time, being at the Academy reminded me too much of you."

Itatchi didn't reply for a while, then. "You sought counseling with the Yamanaka's."

"I had been recently orphaned, my clan had vanished, my brother had tortured me, my sleep was disturbed." Sasuke recited all these without malice. "When a shinobi has been through so much trauma, he is required to undergo psychic evaluation. I simply requested what was in my rights."

"But it did not help."

"No," Sasuke agreed, "It did not. They helped me to identify various compulsions I had been placed under throughout my life- work hard, be better, push harder," Sasuke's voice grew amused as he glanced knowingly at Itatchi, "hate my brother. But in the end it did nothing to ease the pain inside."

"You sold the compound."

"And destroyed the tablet which had brought so much pain to our family," Sasuke agreed. "The land could have been better used than as a monument to our arrogance."

"You left the village."

"It was a product of conflict,' Sasuke said, "the result of a system built on war and hatred. I couldn't live there and find peace." Itatchi was uncomfortably reminded of another Uchiha's words and his own realizations.

"You joined the monks."

Sasuke nodded. "It was difficult, at first, to understand their teachings of non-attachment. It was contrary to everything I had been taught. But I could see no other path forward."

Itachi frowned, he had offered another path forward. Sasuke as though sensing those thoughts, smiled again. "Yes, I could have followed in your footsteps. Cultivated the hate in my heart and let it fuel me to acquire power no matter the cost. And then what? The final battle between brothers with me unable to understand your sacrifices and suffering? To have the blood of my beloved brother on my hands? To continue the cycle of hatred again?" Sasuke shook his head, "Better to stop our family karma with me."

Both brothers were silent for a moment. "You never activated the Sharingan." Itatchi stated finally.

"No." Sasuke agreed. "I never will. At first, my meditation led me to release my feelings of attachment to the world. Since I owned nothing and loved everything, I could not fear its loss. Then, after many years of focus, I was able to cultivate enough chakra control to suppress our inheritance forever."

"So this is how the Uchiha line ends."

"Yes."

Itatchi stood and looked down at his brother for a long moment. "I did everything I could to protect you, encourage you to grow stronger to survive in this world. Perhaps this was the wiser choice after all."

Sasuke rose to his feet and held out his hand for Itatchi. "Perhaps. Would you like to come eat with us?"

Itatchi hesitated, then nodded his ascent. The two brothers descended down the mountain together again.

A/N: couldn't figure out how to end this. The biggest difference between Sasuke and I (after him being fictional and me mostly real) is that if my older brother killed our entire family and clan and tortured me for three days straight, my first thought wouldn't be: hey, I want to become just like him, but better! So this is might be what Sasuke would do if he was less vengeance minded.


	3. Secrets Never to Be Shared

Secrets

I.

"They can't do that. It's not safe. It's not right."

"I know, I know, darling."

The infant Ino, too young to understand human speech but old enough to recognize her parent's fighting, let forth an ear piercing wail to show her displeasure. Her father scooped her up, holding her to his shoulder as he danced lightly around the kitchen table. It did calmed her only partially.

"He's a child. How is he supposed to know how to control that thing? How is he supposed to control that thing?" Her mother's voice rose and Ino's cries rose to match her.

"I know- I know-" It wasn't clear who her father was trying to comfort.

"My family died. My parents killed in the attack. My brothers and sisters are all dead because of the nine tails and they decide the best thing is to seal it in a-"

"Riko!" Her father's sharp voice cut through both their cries. Riko bowed her head, looking ashamed, but Ino just glared at her father who had never, ever raised his voice before.

"Secrets," he told her. Lifting her until pupil-less blue eyes met their match, "These are secrets we do not repeat. Understand little Ino? Yes, you do. Yes, you do."

II.

"They almost stole her!"

"I know, I know."

"They almost made off with her! Who knows what they would have done to the poor little Hyuuga heiress-"

"Hinata!" Ino glanced up from her drawing with a frown. Ino, who at three, was already proving a good memory for names and faces- especially of those in her age group. "Hinata, Mama."

Riko didn't spare her a glance, crossing over to her father and laying her head on his shoulder, "But Inoichi, what if next time they don't go after a clan, what if they think it's easier to take," She glanced over at where Ino was contentedly scribbling on her page now that the appropriate corrections had been made, "What if they take Ino? Couldn't you use your influence to get more guards…"

"Riko," Inoichi smoothed a hand over his wife's long hair, "We aren't a clan. We have no Dojutsu, no bloodlines to steal. Ino is safe. We're safe. It's alright." Riko nodded miserably and Inoichi kissed the top of her head affectionately before crossing to crouch by his daughter.

"Ino. Ino." He repeated until she looked up at him with a scowl, "Ino, these are secrets. Do you understand?"

"Secrets." She repeated.

"Very good, and what do we do with secrets?"

"Not tell." She stabbed her crayon at the picture with particular viciousness.

"That's my girl," He kissed the top of her hair too, "Now, what are we drawing today?"

III.

"I don't understand. How can they just take Fu?"

"I don't know. I don't understand-"

Ino glanced up from weeding the back yard to see her parents fighting in the kitchen. Her father, deep lines in his face that Ino had never seen before, trying to avoid her mother as he paced around the kitchen table.

"He's your nephew. A Yamanaka. You said- No don't- you said after the kidnapping incident- that we didn't have to worry. That we weren't a clan. That we don't have a dojutsu or a bloodline." Her mother's memory for arguments was amazing. She could accurately quote an offhand comment from three years ago and she could get your voice dead right. It was awesome and terrifying.

"It wasn't a foreign power." Inoichi hissed as he finally turned on his wife to grab her by her arms, "This man had the Hokage's blessing."

"What-" Her mother faltered, face growing pale. "But then you can talk to the Hokage, ask them to return Fu- he's so young, barely older than Ino-"

"I can't-" The admission was torn out of him, "There's more to the government than you know, Riko. There are areas where even the Hokage's power doesn't reach. Factions I know next to nothing-"

"But you're the head of T&I," Riko protested weakly, then when she saw the look in her husband's eyes, sank into a chair. "Oh, Misaki. She'll be heart broken. Wi-will she ever see him again?"

Inoichi's face was grave as he rested a hand on her shoulder. Her mother's hand reached up to wrap around it and for the first time Ino could see her parent's shared strength. She slowly lowered back to a crouch, but her father caught sight of her.

"Ino-" His voice was low with warning.

"I know," She dug her trowel into the dirt fiercely, "A secret. Not to be shared with anyone."

IV.

"They're dead? How can they be dead?"

"I don't know."

Her parent's voices were soft and broken by candle light. Sitting on the edge of the stairs, Ino could barely hear the words, but couldn't miss the fear underlying them. She inched silently down to the next step and peered at where her father sat- home for the first time in days- and leaned forward. If she caught sight of their faces, she could practice the lip reading they learned at the academy.

"All of them?"

"Yes."

"And one boy. One 13 year old boy turned on everyone- killed everyone?" Her mother's voice rose, tinged with hysteria. Her father clapped his hand over her mothers and Ino shrank back into the shadows as he glanced at the stairwell.

"I- I can't tell you."

"Don't do this, Inoichi-" Her mother's voice became harsh. "Don't hide behind your title. You promised this, when you were married, that you wouldn't keep secrets from me. I'm a kunoichi of Konoha too- I've been handling sensitive material since before you were out of the Academy."

"Riko-" Her father's voice broke so softly that Ino almost missed it.

When her mother spoke again, her voice was soft and Ino didn't need to look to know she was brushing a strand of blond hair behind her father's ear, "Inoichi, you're turning into your father…"

Ino didn't know what Grandpa Inohiro had to do with anything. She wasn't fond of the old Shinobi when they went to visit him. He barely said a word and glared at everything including corners where nothing existed.

After a long moment, Inoichi sighed, "The Uchiha's were… I can't say what, because I don't know. Don't give me that look, Riko. My department focuses on external information not internal. But there had been dissatisfaction from the Uchiha's for a while. Rumors they were planning something. But it wouldn't have been good."

"And they were betrayed," Riko breathed softly, "And killed for their dissatisfaction. Then everything was pinned on that boy."

"Or he snapped and killed them all. We don't know." Her father's voice was exhausted, "All I know is that I have a list a mile long of various clans members that are need to be brought in for questioning. All of which needs to have happened yesterday."

This time, Ino thought as she crept back to her bed, she didn't need her father to remind her that this was a secret. She already knew she couldn't tell.

V.

"…and so they say that Kenta, my third cousin, is actually the son of Noriko, the seventeenth prefectures commander who had apparently actually poisoned his brother and taken his wife and children as his own while still having an illicit love affair with Lady Wakana. Can you believe it?" Yuu giggled from behind her hands as she beamed.

"Not really," Ino told the young princess. Team 10 had been assigned an escort mission from the capital of the fire nation to one of the summer residences. It was a safe, two day journey with no danger of capture and Princess Yuu was a princess in name only- her father held no power at the court. They were there simply as a formality and, Ino thought, because Asuma wanted to meet up with some friends he made in the capital.

Princess Yuu had proved to be a bored and happy girl a little younger than Ino and more than happy to hear the daring tales of a Kunoichi's adventures. Ino, who found making friends both easy and advantageous, encouraged the relationship. When night came around Yuu was begging for Ino to have a sleep over with her and Ino, who didn't relish camping in the slightest, persuaded Asuma-sensei that this was a good chance to make valuable connections in the political world. Asuma rolled his eyes.

"We'll it's all true. My attendant's aunt's gardener's boss's wife heard it, so it has to be true." Yuu informed her happily as she pulled the blanket up over them more securely. It made the air stuffy, but Yuu insisted that this was the only way to have girl-talk.

"Mmmhmmm," Ino agreed, not feeling the need to go into the complicated explanation of the necessity of verifying information and strategies to do so.

"Ok, now it's your turn. Tell me a secret!" That had been the game for the past hour. Ino had learned a lot about Yuu: she was lonely (expected), worried about being married to someone old (expected), had a close ear to the ground regarding court scandals (unexpected), and had a crush on Choji (so unexpected as to be unbelievable).

"Umm…" Ino's mind blanked.

In the Academy, they didn't talk about secrets. School work, sure. Hopes and dreams for the future, yes. Awesome ninja skills, of course. Family scandal and personal fears? No. Never. Not in a hundred years.

You could know. Like how everyone knew to avoid Naruto. Or how to treat Sasuke with sympathy but also distance. Or how to ignore Hinata's stammer. Or when certain promising students dropped out unexpectedly from the Academy. You knew. You just didn't discuss it.

They were a ninja village after all.

"Yes…" Yuu prompted after a moment.

"Well, there's this one really adorable guy-" Ino started, weaving a story of intrigue and rivalry that only had passing relationship to the truth.

Because she had secrets you didn't tell anyone.

A/N: a look at why and how some of the important events in Konoha were never shared with the general public. Also, I am really bad at ending things.


	4. The Glasses One

A/N: "A Chance to Say Yes" Omake. If everyone seems out of character, read the fic to see why.

 _Present day:_

"Stupid blood line, stupid bloodline."

"Ah- Ino?" Sakura held up her hands placating as her best friend bashed her head into a convenient brick wall. "Is everything ok?"

The blond turned around and her mood switched- suddenly, she was swooning against the convenient brick wall, hearts practically dancing in her eyes. She waved her hand weakly down the road.

"It's just… and he's… and…" her besotted mumbles faded into a heart breaking sigh. Sakura's eyebrows rose and then a wicked thought curved her lips into a feral grin.

"Eh- Ino-chan, do you have a thing for glasses?" An aggravated wail and the resuming of head thumping was all the answer she needed.

 _10 Minutes Previously_

"Hey- hey Sakura-chan!" Naruto struck a pose, hand on chin and stairing meditatively into the distant, "Do these make me look smarter?"

Sakura glanced away from the wall of ladies glasses (promised to be sun protectant, kunai and senbon safe, and fashionable) to see her team mate sporting a pair of thick rimmed glasses that covered up half his face.

"Um. Maybe more like a dork." She replied fondly.

"Lame." Naruto threw the pair back on the display table and wandered over to her section. "Hey! These are way cooler!"

"You think?" Sakura pulled a red pair on and posed in an exaggeratedly sexy manner, "What do you think?"

"Whoa! Sakura as a sexy librarian!" Naruto gave her a double thumbs up and a cheesy grin. Great, Sakura rolled her eyes and took off the glasses, she had been going for badass kunoichi not sexy librarian.

There was a puff of smoke and when Sakura turned back around, she was face to face with Naruko who managed to make a pair of horn rim glasses look positively scandalous. Granted, she was wearing nothing else.

"Ne, ne Sakura-chan, do you think these make me look cute?" Naruko pouted as she leaned forward to look in the mirror. A shop assistant exited from the store room, took one look at her team mate and fainted from sudden blood loss. Sakura rolled her eyes- weak. It had been a long time since Naruko's appearance had brought up anything but mild amusement and- well, the female shop assistant who had glared at them when they entered was stalking towards them with fury written in her expression. Sakura chuckled to herself.

A puff of smoke and Sakuto was whipping off a pair of glasses to fix the approaching sales woman with a sultry stare, "How lucky. I needed a beautiful woman's opinion, and here you are." He winked and the sales woman fainted in a spurt of blood. There was a thud from outside the shop and Sakuto saw that a passing kunoichi had also fainted. He gave Naruko a superior grin holding up two fingers. The blond girl rolled her eyes-

"I leave you idiots alone for five minutes," a dry voice drawled from behind them.

With an eep, Sakura canceled the genjutsu, face bright red. It was one thing to play around with Sexy no Jutsu with Naruto, but around Sasuke? There were still remnants of her school year crush. Naruko, of course, had no such compunctions. Sakura staggered forward as she threw herself around Sakura's shoulders.

"Ne, Sasuke-kun, we were just having a little competition, don't you want to-"

"No."

Naruko disappeared in a puff of smoke leaving Naruto in her place with a scowl. Sakura changed the subject quickly.

"Did you find what you were looking for?"

"Hn." Yes.

"Well, can we see?"

"Hn." No.

"Sasuke-teme! We waited for you for like 20 minutes!" Naruto protested, "We want to see what the damn things look like!"

With an aggravated sigh, Sasuke reached into the small bag and slipped a pair of dark frames over his eyes. "Happy?"

Naruto scratched his chin, "You look sort of nerd- ow!"

Sakura dusted off her hands and turned back to her other team mate, "You look good!"

"Hn." Doubt, but willing to be convinced.

"No really!" Sakura assured him, "They make you look very intelligent."

"Hn." A small amount of pleasure.

"Yeah! They can be like a disguise!" Naruto looped an arm over Sakura's shoulders, then Sasuke's when he didn't immediately move out of the way, "Everyone will look at you and be like 'phf, what a nerd, bet he's the smart one of the group,' then you'll be like 'no way!' and kick their ass"

"Naruto, I can kick people's ass!" Sakura protested. She was still protective of her role in the group.

"Yeah, but you're a girl!"

Sakura spotted Ino coming out of the weapons store. "Naruto, you have three minutes to think up why that was the wrong thing to say," She told him, ducking under his arm and heading toward her friend.

 _Present:_

"Ok, so that was a bad thing to say because of course kunoichi are- why are you grinning like that?" Naruto gave her a wary glance as she rejoined her team. Sakura just rubbed her hands together.

"You know how they say 'information is power?' Let's just say I got a very interesting power up."

"Right…" Naruto gave her a shifty look and then began mentioning how close the optometrist was to his ramen shop and look at the time.

A/N: If Sarada needs glasses, its because one of her parents is holding the bad eye sight dominant gene and my bets on the one with the optically degenerative blood line...

Also, they've all rubbed off on each other- Naruto's contribution is playfulness. A trait both Sakura and Sasuke lacked until meeting him.


	5. Therapy no Jutsu

_Hokage Office_

"Damnit! What is all this paperwork?" Tsunade glared at Shizune as her assistant staggered into the room with another armful of paper. Her desk groaned under the load and Tusande thought several trees had sacrificed their lives needlessly to supply her with more work.

Stupid trees. Maybe she wasn't allowed to punch the jonin, or the council, or the civilians, or the royalty who came to her with complaints, but if she destroyed all the trees in the country, there could be no more paper made.

"This?" Shizune blinked tiredly and glanced down at the page to remind herself, "These are complaints."

"Complaints?" The blond hokage's glare intensified. She hated complaints more than anything. "Complaints about what!"

"Stress- mostly. Civilians are complaining about traumatic scarring from surviving the Sand and Sound invasion, the Uchiha massacre-"

"How did that even affect them!"

Shizune continued gamely, "the Nine-tale attack, the third shinobi war. Shinobi's are complaining of all the same things in addition to their missions and training and high percentage of tragic backgrounds. The hospital is complaining of extra demand in the mental wards and-"

"Enough of that- what do they want?"

"Naruto."

"Naruto?"

"Naruto," Shizune confirmed, "They've been hearing rumors of his 'Therapy no Jutsu' and want a chance to be inspired and set on the right path."

"Right." Tsuande narrowed her eyes as she thought. Honestly, she was going to be a little offended if that blond idiot became a more powerful healer than her. "Get Naruto in here."

 _Team 10_

"A-a-and then I did a dream journal an-an I wrote down my dreams, but it didn't help, because I can't figure it out, and nothing is helping, and I feel like I am in a tail spin, and then the house is so dirty, and I know that if I just could find out what was the problem, everything could be fixed!" The woman burst into another round of tears and buried her pale face into her damp handkerchief.

Across the table, Ino shot a bored look to Choji. Shikamaru had been quietly dozing for the past ten minutes and Asuma sensei had stepped out for a smoke break just before their first client and never returned. Ino sighed.

What had Naruto said? To listen?

Well, she had been listening for the past half hour and this babbling civilian was no closer to explaining how they could help her than when the first walked through the door. Enough of this!

"Shikamaru!" Ino slammed her fist on the table, jerking her bored team mate into wakefulness, "Enough of this boring way- shadow bind her!"

For once, Shikamaru didn't protest. Apparently any action was better than listening to their clients problems because their shadows suddenly extended and the woman froze. Ino lined up her hands between them.

"MIND BODY SWITCH NO JUTSU." She shouted and collapsed bonelessly to the table. Choji shuffled his feet. Shikamaru sighed. Finally, Ino straightened again and nodded to Shikamaru- he released his jutsu.

"Wha-" The woman started to her feet, looking rather pale. But at least she wasn't crying.

"Sit down," Ino snapped, "You're problem is that your father left your mother when you were young so you've grown up looking to replace him with the men you date. Since you are single and derive all your structure from your dates, you feel like you are falling apart. Shikamaru, what should she do?"

Shikamaru rolled his neck, "Well, I am probably supposed to suggest a period of deep introspection and discovery of what you want out of life, but that sounds troublesome and you're not going to do it. So just throw yourself at the next guy who seems interested and you'll feel better."

Ino gave Shikamaru a high five, which he ignored, and Choji led the woman, out while patting her hand.

 _Team Gai_

"So… I'm not sure if I should stay in the family business or strike off on my own. It has been stressing me out and causing a lack of sleep. My wife mentioned that talking to someone might help. So what do you think?" The man said, decidedly not looking at where the green-clad youth with the bowl cut was earnestly transcribing his every word.

Alas, his luck did not hold for it was Lee who jumped to his feet first, eyes shining with inner fire and form vibrating with suppressed energy.

"Yosh! If I do not inspire this man, I will run up the face of the hokage monument on one leg!" He promised to the air three feet above the man's head, "I can see the fire of youth burns bright in you! Devote yourself fully to the task and never let your will fade!"

The man blinked, "That… isn't very helpful." He turned to Neji who watched him dispassionately.

"Your fate is already decided," The boy intoned, "There is nothing you can do to change it."

"Yes- but- that-" The man took a deep breath, "Look. I have two choices: stay and work as a carpenter with my dad, or start a trading business on my own. I don't know what to do. How do you make decisions in your life."

"May your flower of youth never fade!"

"That's not-"

"Lee never really had a choice," Tenten smiled at the man, "He could only do Taijutsu so he threw himself into that whole heartedly."

"Oh," The man nodded in relief, then looked at where Neji had risen, "And him?"

"Wait," Tenten advised, "Three, two, one-"

"My fate was decided long before my birth," Neji intoned, staring out at the blue sky with dispassionate eyes, "The only choice I have is when I die."

"Right…" The man looked disturbed and shifted further in his sheet before turning to the girl, "You seem normal. What do you think I should do?"

"Do you have a hobby?"

"Painting festival masks, but I don't-"

"You should devote yourself entirely to that hobby and specialize in it exclusively."

"But it has no use in the real world."

Tenten just shrugged.

 _Team 8_

"So, I'm having some trouble meeting men," The girl laughed prettily, "I just have a hard time relating to people- do you have any suggestions on how to help me?"

"Forget people!" Kiba swept a hand across the table, "Just get a dog." Akamaru yipped in agreement.

"Um. Ok. But I want to get married?"

"Forget it. Dogs are better than people. Get two if you're worried."

"U-u-m, I don't think it is such a bad idea, to love someone, I mean." Hinata looked up hesitantly, fingers pressing together.

"You don't?" The girl asked eagerly. Hinata shook her head.

"N-no- love is very important. Y-you should find someone you really admire. And then study them- learn everything about them- and try to become a better person on their behalf."

"Ok," The girl frowned, "And what do I do when I approach them."

"Oh. No. You don't approach them. Ever."

"What?!"

Hinata looked at her seriously, "You never talk to them and you never tell them how you feel. If you absolutely must, do it in the middle of a battle when they have no chance to respond. Otherwise, hide every time they come near and faint if they talk to you."

"This is false." Everyone turned to look at where Shino adjusted his glasses, "Why? Because true companionship comes from inside."

"Oh, like inner peace?" The girl asked eagerly, leaning forward. Shino stared at her for a moment.

"No. Like insect colonies. I am never alone."

 _Team 7- Sakura._

"And so you're telling me just to take all the bad feelings and-"

"Lock them away," Sakura finished with a pleasant smile, "Just shove them right down there and pretend they don't exist."

"That doesn't seem very healthy…" The man said.

"Practice with that thought first."

"That-"

"Lock it away."

"But-"

"Bury it deep."

"If-"

"All the unpleasant, inappropriate things, just shove them away."

"Right…" The man sighed.

"Oh," Sakura added as an after thought, "If it develops a personality of it's own and sometimes takes over, don't worry about it. Perfectly normal."

 _Team 7- Sasuke._

"So… you're saying I should declare vengeance for the death of my pet plant and vow to kill my room mate?" The girl asked.

"Hn."

"And what do I do after that?"

"Declare vengeance on whatever caused her to kill your plant in the first place."

"And what do I do after that?"

"The same."

"And the same after that?"

"Hn."

"So I'll be caught in an ever increasing cycle of vengeance until I swear to destroy all I love and the home that raised me?"

"Hn."

The girl nodded, "I think I can live with that."

 _Team 7- Kakashi._

"Um." The older man tapped on the observation window, "Wasn't I supposed to see someone? It's been an hour."

 _Naruto_

Well, that sucked. He admitted after a moment.

Naruto flipped through his clipboard notes and scratched his head. He didn't understand what went wrong. His formula was water tight!

1) learn about person's tragic back story

2) declare himself future hokage

3) don't give up

4) still don't give up

5) success

There was no possible way for it to fail! They'd just have to go through another training seminar. He was going to be the hokage, believe it!

A/N: random, crackish, silly idea based on the comments of Kairan1979, LucidKren, and Suzululu4moe! Thank you for the ideas you guys!


	6. Paging Dr Hatake

I. Re-assignment

"Found him, Ma'am!" The masked ANBU agent saluted as he dragged the sullen teen into the office. Tsuande Senju looked up from the medical notes spread across the table and spattered with something that looked like blood but smelled much worse.

"Thank you, Fish. You are dismissed. And-" Her hand shot out and caught the edge of the boy's flack jacket before he could similarly issue. "You are staying here."

Kakashi Hatake gave her a withering look rather marred by the swollen and puffed left eye. Rin was- had been, Tsunade corrected herself- a promising medic-nin. Almost a genius, though brilliance outside of the fighting arena was rarely acknowledged. But she had been working on a team mate, under pressure, with a procedure that had never dared been attempted before. It was a miracle Kakaski could still see, let alone use the implanted Sharingan at all.

"I wasn't hurt on my last mission," He finally muttered, "And I'm not behind on my assessments."

It didn't take a glance at the suspiciously flat medical file to know he was lying, but Tsuande didn't have the energy to care. Thirty-six hour shifts would do that to you.

"Kid- I've got rooms full of dead and dying shinobi begging for medical care. I don't give a damn if you're skipping out on your exams."

"Then why am I here?" Unsaid, was the same question directed at her.

"Can you use that thing?" Tsunade nodded towards his eye. After a moment's hesitation, he nodded. Of course he could- it wouldn't be inflamed if he hadn't just been using it on his latest mission to Stone.

"Good." She had him in an arm lock and a palm full of healing jutsu over his eye before he could blink. Fun fact: the perfect control that made her the strongest woman in the world, also made her the fastest. There was just the little problem of her brain being unable to process the visual input from her boosted speed. Before the war had broken out, she'd been on the cusp of figuring out a way to augment her optical nerves to handle the increased visual stimuli, but research that could render her blind was put on hold in favor of saving lives.

Instead, she let news of her strength reach far and wide while knowledge of her speed was kept a state secret. She'd surprised more than a few enemies that way.

Before the kid could formulate a counter attack, she was striding to the door.

"Come on," She demanded over her shoulder, "We have a lot of work to do that should have been done last week."

II. Training

"You want me to do what!"

Tsunade paused in rolling up the sleeves of her new coat. She had told Shizune, one of the promsing new medics, to bring her a patient in less than two minutes. They didn't have time to play T&I.

"You better not be as dumb as you're acting," She snapped, "It's simple: I need you to copy all my healing jutsu."

"Why?"

She took a quick swig from her hip flask to steady her nerves and calm her rising irritation. Wiping her mouth, she replied.

"It may come as some surprise to you, but I am quite a target. If someone manages to kill me, I want to make sure my skills aren't lost."

"I don't have perfect control."

"Learn it."

"I can't make medical chakra."

"Bullshit- you've never tried," She glared at him, "Don't tell me the kid who can copy earth techniques despite having a lightening affinity can't channel medical chakra."

"But why me!" He finally demanded, "There is a whole clan who has the Sharingan- two sharingan. And can use them."

Tsuande thought back to the dozens of quiet hints and subtle worries her teacher had expressed about the Uchiha loyalty over the years. Yes, they were fighting on Konoha's side now, but as one of the few remaining Senju, she wasn't ignorant to the political movements in her city. Apparently, the Uchiha's were planning to demand an exorbitant reward for their aid in Konoha's defense- something the village might not be able to supply.

In short, and maybe this was her old prejudices (Grandfather forgive her) but she didn't want her techniques in the hand of some Uchiha bastard.

"Kid, look at me," She softened her voice somewhat, "I know you spend too much of your time at that damn memorial stone. But Rin was as much your team mate as Obito was and she was a damn fine medic. Honor her memory too, and help me."

As far as emotional manipulation went, she wasn't as skilled as Orochimaru, but wasn't half bad, if she did say so herself. Tsuande suppressed a smirk as the boy nodded and straightened.

"Good." The operating room doors opened with a clang and Tsunade turned towards them, fighting down nausea at the sight of the blood. Behind her, the boy's eye swirled into red as she coated her hands with green. "Plus, you're already wearing a face mask."

III. Consequences.

"Sorry I'm late I-"

"Emiko's dead." Shizune didn't even look up from her work at the hospital computer but her voice had the temperature and consistency of ice. "She died on the operating table while surgeons were waiting for your supervision."

"I-"

"We've had to postpone three surgeries." Shizune cut through his protest like a well sharpened katana, "Haruko's abscess has progressed. It would have been treatable three hours ago, but now we will have to amputate the leg. She'll never walk again. Osamu was put on such an intense cocktail of antibiotics and pain medication, that his blood line is beginning to attack his own cells. Finally, Shouta, after waiting two hours and seeing his patient's life slip away, attempted a healing well beyond his capabilities and chakra capacity to. Luckily, the patient lived- but Shouta is now under urgent care to make sure he doesn't succumb to Chakra exhaustion.

"So please," Shizune finally looked at him, "Please tell me that whatever you were doing was worth the lives and health of these ninja and the skill of a medic."

Kakashi thought of the obelisk and could only hang his head.

"I don't know what Tsuande was thinking when she left you as Supervisor," Shizune hissed through clenched teeth.

That day, none of the nurses would look at him, much less talk. The other doctors gave him hard looks and clipped answers. He forced himself to break the news to Emiko's fiancé, Osamu's son, Shouta's brother.

He was never late again.

A/N: Inspired by Suzululu4moe's comment about Kakashi being incredibly versatile, but she hadn't seen a Healer!Kakashi. Well, if you're reading this, now you have! I actually like this idea and might make it into a slightly longer story at some point. Let me know what you think and have a wonderful day!


	7. An Ineffective Stalker

The day had finally come. The best day of her life. No, the day her life finally began. Because today, finally, (after how many years) the Naruto Uzumaki had asked her on a date!

Oh, it had involved a lot of stammering and some nudging from his team, but he had come up to her outside their training ground, head tilted at that adorable angle, and asked if she wanted to grab dinner with him.

Of course, she had said yes.

Once she had recovered from her faint. But the sight of Naruto staring down at her with concern in his sky blue eyes- looking at her!-

Oh, she still had butterflies in her stomach at the memory.

"Um, Hinata?"

Oh, Naruto was looking at her! He was perched on the edge of his stool, staring at her with a look of delightful embarrassment.

"Y-yes, Naruto-san?"

"Um… ah. This is embarrassing." Naruto grinned at her and scratched the back of his head, "But Sakura said that you had had a crush on me for a while? Like ever since the Academy?"

Her heart began to beat so quickly, Hinata was sure it would escape the cage of her ribs and fly off into the bright blue sky- as bright as Naruto's eyes. But she had promised herself that she wouldn't faint on this date, no matter how red her face became.

Bringing her fingers together, she nodded hesitantly. "Y-yes, Naruto-san."

"And you were like super into me, right? Like watching me all the time and stuff?"

Oh- if he only knew. He was the only light point in her life during those dark days of her childhood. When tensions threatened to tear apart her orderly life, all she had to do was close her eyes and think of Naruto. Naruto who had the sun in his heart and the sky in his eyes. Naruto who never gave up, never cried, never was weak. Naruto-

Oh, one day she would explain to him how important he was to her. She would spend every day of her life proving how essential he was, how perfect he was.

"U-u-uh, yes, Naruto-kun."

Oh, her daring! To use that suffix without being invited. But they were on a date. Naruto was asking her deep questions. Soon she would find the words to explain what hope he had always brought to her.

"Right…" Naruto glanced down at his clasped hands. He suddenly seemed shy and vulnerable. Hinata wished she had the courage to reach out and take his hands in hers, promise that no matter what was troubling him, she would use all her influence and skill to drive it away- just as he had driven away the shadows from her days.

"Hey Hinata. Did you ever notice how I was failing all my classes in the Academy?"

"W-what?"

Suddenly, the blue eyes were no longer open and friendly.

"What about how the villagers usually over-charged me for basic necessities?"

"Th-they did?"

"Yeah. They did." His voice had become cool and reserved. "They also routinely ignored me, shunned me, sold me defective products, made sure I was the least prepared and most likely to die when I graduated."

It was as if her cheerful and glorious Naruto was replaced by a stranger who stared at her from behind hard eyes. Hinata could only squeak miserably and shake her head.

"Kami, Hinata! Did you at least notice that half the time I didn't have a lunch at the Academy? Or that when I did, it was a ramen cup? Since that was the only thing I knew how to make and could get for a decent price? Sasuke freaked out when he found out. Started ranting about nutritional deficiencies and no wonder I couldn't stay awake in class." A fond smile crossed his face and Hinata began to hope that her Naruto had returned. But a second later, it was gone.

"I was lonely Hinata. So lonely and so desperate for attention. Do you have any idea what one friend would have done? Just knowing that you- kami, you didn't even have to care. Just had to notice me." He buried his head in his hands and rubbed at his eyes.

"I-I- do notice you Naruto-kun." Barely believing her daring, she reached out to touch his shoulder, but hesitated before she made contact.

"See, that's the thing. I don't think you do." Naruto straightened with a sigh. "Because I talked about this a lot with Sakura. Like, in the Academy, she had a crush on Sasuke. But it wasn't really on Sasuke. It was on "The Last Uchiha" who was cool and daring and good at everything. Then she actually got to know him and found out that he's super awkward, neurotic, and overbearing. She still likes him, but it's him, you know? Not some image she had."

"I like you, Naruto." Hinata insisted stoutly. This wasn't how the day was supposed to go! Hinata had had the day all mapped out. Naruto would learn about her home situation- draw it out with kind and gentle words, then come up with a solution that would solve all the problems.

"Do you?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Yes." She insisted, "You're kind and brave and never give up. I-I admire your optimism so much, Naruto-kun! You are the one who inspired me to be a better person!" She felt breathless after that confession. But instead of looking awestruck and in love, a pained look flickered across his face.

"Yeah. That… just sounds like the main character of any dime store novel." Naruto sighed and stood up- hands shoved in his pockets. "Look. Hinata- if this ideal me gave you the strength to improve yourself. I'm glad. Honestly. But please don't confuse me for him. I can't live up to that ideal and wouldn't want to disappoint you when I didn't."

"N-naruto?"

"Look- I'm not even saying that we might not work." Naruto cracked his neck and then looked directly at her. It was as if he was the one possessing the byakugan- able to see through her in a heartbeat. "But I want to date someone who wants the real me. So if you think you can do that, let me know."

He turned away and Hinata's world shattered into a thousand pieces.

Later

It still made him happy that the door to his apartment swung open with a touch. No kicking the warped wood open and yanking it shut. Nope, this door even had oiled hinges.

But it was the two people curled up on the couch that really brought a smile to his face. Sakura looked up from her treatise on some insanely complicated political deal with concern.

"How did it go?" She pulled her leg from Sasuke's lap, where he had been bent over it- memorizing muscle groups and tekensu points in preparation for his upcoming medic test. Naruto flopped down in the open spot she left and pulled his two team mates into a hug.

"I love you guys."

Sakura immediately wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tight. "I'm so sorry, Naruto."

Sasuke still wouldn't be considered the best hugger by any standard, but he relaxed slightly against Naruto. "She didn't notice?"

"No."

"Tch." Sasuke wrapped a stiff arm around him too. "You don't need her. You've got us."

And if that wasn't the truth, Naruto didn't know what was.

A/N: Inspired by Suzululu4moe's comment about Hinata. Set in an AU of my "A Chance to Say Yes" AU, because I have big plans for Hinata that don't involve this conversation.

Honestly, I don't know why everyone likes Hinata so much- her obsession with Naruto is pretty unhealthy.


	8. Domestic Bliss

A/N: AU of my AU "A Chance to Say Yes." Warnings for a bad word, implicit sexual relations, and saku/sasu/naru.

l.

The sun had decided to grace her morning off with its presence and filled the kitchen with its light. They had a nice kitchen whose window overlooked the small courtyard in the center of the building rather than the brick wall which greeted her view out her bedroom. Sakura was still in her pajamas as she washed dishes from breakfast at the sink and hummed to herself.

Suddenly, a pair of arms were wrapped around her and a lazy kiss planted on the crook of her neck. Sakura leaned back against the broad warmth of Naruto's chest and grinned up at him.

"Look who's up and alive."

"Sorry." He yawned hugely and rested his chin on the top of her head. "Forgot to set my alarm."

He hadn't actually. Sakura had turned it off when she rose that morning. Naruto's latest mission had him stumbling in at some god-awful hour of the morning and he deserved the sleep. Especially since she had made sure that his day was clear today.

"Mmm." She commented and rinsed the last little bowl and set it in the drying rack for the sun to dry. "Your breakfast is in the fridge." She twisted to plant a kiss on the edge of his neck- the only place she could reach.

"Is the Wife gone?"

The Wife was Sasuke, who never seemed to be terribly annoyed at the term. It honestly fit him. Especially, when she came home to see dinner on the table and Sasuke in the frilly apron that Naruto had bought her as a joke but somehow ended up being the only apron they ever had on hand.

But the balance worked: Sasuke cooked, Sakura cleaned, and Naruto fixed whatever small problems arose over the course of their days. He was a surprising good plumber; a skill he attributed to years of figuring out his own decrepit plumbing in an apartment where the landlord never acknowledge his existence.

"You just missed him." She grabbed a wet, but clean glass from the rack and filled it with water. Passing it to Naruto as she slipped out of his grip and began pulling breakfast dishes from the fridge.

"They are appointing a new head of surgery at the Hospital and he wanted to go in early to make sure everything went smoothly. Do you want me to re-heat this?" She held up the bowl of miso soup and Naruto shook his head.

When she had been awarded the role of Hokage, the first thing she had done was as Sasuke if he wanted her to re-establish the police force of Konoha with him as the head. He had given her a dry look over the top of his glasses and asked if she wanted the hospital system to collapse while he tried to figure out what the police even did.

So, she kept the combination of ANBU and civilian workers policing the ninja and commercial districts respectively which seemed to work as well if not better than the previous system and Sasuke stayed happily entrenched in the hospital he had made his home away from home.

Only Naruto had ended up with a job that almost resembled his dream as a child and even he said he preferred it this way.

Breakfast dishes set before Naruto, she took a seat at the low table and entwined her legs with his as she felt the sun warm her back.

II.

"Sasuke-teme!"

"Uchiha-san, I'm so sorry- I tried to stop him." His secretary, Akira, looked apologetic as she peered through the door Naruto had just burst through. Sasuke sighed and mentally redistributed the work he had intended to do during his lunch break to other parts of his day.

"You'd have better luck stopping a river." He snapped and took off his glasses to rub the bridge of his nose before glaring at his team mate. "What do you want? Some of us have work to do."

"Oh please." One of the most dangerous ninja in the five kingdoms took a seat on the edge of his desk, heedless of paperwork he was crumpling, "We all know you just sit in your office and brood."

"Naruto." Ten years had not dimmed either Naruto's spirit or his ability to push all of Sasuke's buttons. Probably because, as Sakura put it, he had installed most of them.

"Fine, fine. You're doing great work. Saving lives. Solving diseases-"

"You don't solve diseases."

"But you can't do it on an empty stomach!" Naruto held up a colorfully wrapped bento box and passed it over to him. "Sakura said you forgot yours at home this morning."

"Ah." He had. Leaving it on the counter because it had taken him precious minutes to find his socks in the mess Naruto left their room. But before he could take the offered box, Naruto pulled it back.

"Actually, I've changed my mind: I'm going to kidnap you."

"What."

"Yep." Naruto nodded seriously and stood up. "Hokage's orders. C'mon."

"Dobe, I have work to do."

"Nothing you can't delegate. Don't lie. I already checked your schedule." Naruto gave him the trade marked Naruto grin that easily charmed Akira into showing him Sasuke's schedule despite the strict orders not to. When Sasuke didn't answer immediately, Naruto sweetened the pot:

"We can spar."

"Fuck yes." Sasuke shoved his chair from his desk and was on his feet before the words were out of his mouth. He loved the work at the hospital. At the end of the day, he felt good for saving people's lives- doing more to improve the village's view of Uchiha than Itatchi ever had, but there was a lot of sitting.

"That is also a possibility," Naruto's grin turned feral and, before Sasuke could protest, scooped him up and threw him over his shoulder. "Sorry! Left the barrel at home- hope that this works instead!"

With another shout and opened window, Sasuke really and truly was kidnapped from his office.

III.

The lamp flicked on with a touch. Sakura started and looked up to see Sasuke glaring down at her with his hand on the light switch.

"You're going to ruin your eyesight if you keep studying in the dark." He told her sternly. The effect was marred by his rumpled hair and casually tied yukata. Sasuke, like most clan children, had been raised in a strictly traditional household and continued some practices into his new home. Though she doubted that the dark t-shirt poking out from under the yukata would have been considered appropriate.

With a sigh, she stretched and pushed away from the desk. Folding her arms around him, she leaned in and breathed deep Naruto's scent from the shirt. The first time she had caught Sasuke rummaging through the laundry bin had been weird. But now? Now, she had a similarly over large shirt.

"It was light when I started," she muttered into his chest, but it was a weak defense and they both knew it. He wrapped his arms around her lightly.

"Dinner's ready."

"'K." She didn't move and neither did he. "I heard from Naruto today."

"You sent a messenger with the news, if I remember correctly."

"Bastard." She thumped the back of his shoulder fondly, "I don't have to tell you what he said or when he was planning to return."

"But you will."

"Mmmm." She hummed into his neck.

"Sakura."

"Mmmm?"

"Sakura." His voice made a sharp turn towards the dangerous and Sakura gave in with a grin.

"He's fine and is coming back next week. Hates the weather. Found the missing-nin."

"And?"

Sakura rolled her eyes at her team mates tension. "And misses you. Apparently the food sucks in the rain country."

"Hn." Sasuke settled back pleased and stroked a hand over her hair. "Your dinner is getting cold."

"Yes, dear." Sakura kissed the corner of his jaw and slipped out of his arms to head to the dining room.

A/N: For LucidKren who wanted a Hokage!Sakura, Team 7 dynamics, and a mildly scandalized public. Well, that's one of three. It was more fun to look at them in pairs rather than as a group.


	9. Drunken Shenanigans

A/N: Pure crack fic. Warnings: implicit Saku/Sasu/Naru, bad decisions being made, absolute disregard for traditional japanese marriage rituals

 _Earlier that day_

It was not an unusual site to see all three members of Team Seven walking down the street. Konoha Genin teams were notoriously tightly knit, but Team Seven raised team work from a skill into an art. They lived together, ate together, fought together. It would be a subject of gossip to see Sasuke without Sakura, Naruto without Sasuke, or Sakura without her two teammates. But today's gossip was limited to the appearance of the large sake bottle clutched in the beaming Naruto's arms.

"Naruto, you realize you've drank before, right?" Sakura, their resident kunoichi and team captain (and personal badass, in her own opinion), asked as she leaned over to check if their blond team mate was still grinning.

"Yep!" He was.

"And that you have been drunk before." Sakura continued.

"Don't care!" Naruto's grin, if possible, grew even larger. He hugged the bottle of sake close to his chest and rested his cheek against its soft, green curves. "You have no idea how long I have waited for this moment."

"To molest a sake bottle in public?" quipped Sasuke who threw Naruto an amused glance, that to any other person would be mistaken for disgust. Long used to the famous Last of the Uchiha's subtle conversations, Naruto only pulled a childish face.

"No! Teme,"Naruto groused. "To be of age to buy the most delicious drink known to men with no one to tell me no!"

"Now, you're beginning to sound like the Hokage," Sakura sighed and glanced over at their dark haired team mate, "Aren't you the one supposed to take on your master's bad habits?"

"Hn." How dare you suggest that the Tsunade has any bad habits or that I could ever aquire them!

"Can't acquire what you already have, Sasuke!" Sakura grinned at her team mate and easily brushed away the annoyed glance sent her way.

"Shhh…" Naruto whispered to his bottle as he stroked the long neck, "Don't let the two idiots disturb you."

"You can't drink all that," Sasuke said after a look of shared concern between the two sane members of the team, "Even you wouldn't be able to metabolize that amount of alcohol before you succumb to alcohol poisoning."

Naruto's grin went devilish, "Who said anything about me drinking it by myself?"

 _Later that day_

"And then I said, 'I don't give a fuck who you think you are- I am heir to the Haruno clan and you can kiss my ass!'" Sakura's hand slammed on the cluttered table as if to mark the emphasis her slurred words no longer could.

They had been drinking for several hours after arriving home. First, they started with a series of toasts which turned into a series of drinking games which had turned into a disastrous game of 'No, I am not too drunk to play with kunai.' After which, Naruto confiscated all the sharp, pointy, or edged objects in the apartment and locked them in the bathroom. It had taken three trips. Sasuke had almost lost his shirt when Sakura become convinced he was hiding a kunai pouch. (He had been).

"Yeah? What did you do then?" A light dusting of pink now graced Sasuke's cheeks as opposed to the deep flush over Sakura's. He had half collapsed over his cup, head braced on his hand and was watching his team mate with a faint smile.

Sakura collapsed back down on the floor, smiling embarrassedly and scratching her cheek.

"Oh, well, it turned out that the bastard was the favorite son of the daimyo or something. So… that wasn't a great move, politically."

Sasuke nodded seriously and pushed her cup towards her. "Have a drink."

"Too stuffed shirt officials too poncy for their own good!" Sakura grabbed up her cup eagerly and held it aloft.

"Mmmm!" Sasuke managed to grab his cup on the third try. They accomplished something that looked almost like a competenant toast and threw back their drinks only to discover-

"Whaa-" Sakura stared down into the empty depths of her sake cup as though it might hold the mysteries of the universe, "It's empty? Naruto- Naruto- we need. . . What's wrong with Naruto?" She may have been making an attempt to whisper but it wasn't a very good attempt.

Naruto was sitting over his cup, twisting the white porcelain between his fingers slowly as he stared at the table. He hadn't lifted his head, hadn't looked at them when Sakura recounted her story. Instead, under their wavering gaze, he sighed softly and his shoulders seemed to droop even more.

"Ehhh? Naruto!" Sakura clumsily set down her cup, knocking over one of the bottles of beer they had broken out of the fridge in the process, and crawled over to him. "Naruto. What's wrong? Why are you sad?"

An arm flung about his shoulders was rapidly shrugged off. But if sober Sakura was not easily deterred, a drunk Sakura wouldn't be put off by anything. Instead, she crept closer, poked his cheek until he batted away her hand, and then threw her arms around him and didn't let go.

"Naruto- tell us. Tell us, Naruto. Tell us or we will- we will- I'll make Sasuke tell you about the history of the Uchiha!"

"Hn." Sasuke agreed in a pleased tone.

"Get off."

"Naruto."

"It's nothing."

"Naruto."

"Leave me alone. Just go and- and-"

"Sasuke."

"In the beginning, the Uchiha-"

"You guys are going to leave me!" Naruto broke out in an aggravated wail, burying his face in his hands. Both Sakura and Sasuke looked up in concern.

"What?"

"When- when- how will we be able to do this," Naruto waved his hands around their messy living room, collection of empty bottles and ruined packages of snacks, "When we are married?"

"What?" Sakura repeated, then, when Naruto did not seem convinced by that argument, she began brushing his hair out of his face. "Naruto. Naruto. Look at me. Naruto. We aren't even dating anyone. No one is getting married."

"Now," Naruto protested weakly, "But you will. Soon. And then you'll get married. And leave me. And-"

"Naruto. No-no-no-no. No. Naruto," Sakura rested her forehead against his. "Naruto. No. Look-look at my parents. My dad is married, but he is still close to his team. They hang out all the time. All. The. Time."

Naruto sniffed, "But how is that fair to who you marry? You're supposed to be a couple. Do everything together and have fun and be best friends and- and- it just won't work." He sighed tragically and let his head fall to Sakura's shoulder.

Sakura looked over helplessly at where Sasuke had collapsed on the table again.

"Sasuke, your parents. They were happily married and still close to their teams, right?" She indicated with various hand waves and winks that he should agree under pain of certain death upon sobriety. Sasuke nodded seriously as he got the message and held up his two fingers.

"They were team mates." He slurred, twisting his fingers around each other and staring at them seriously. "Then their other team mate died. And they got married."

"See, Naruto," Sakura turned back to her grieving team mate and patted the back of his neck, "See. That- that didn't help at all Sasuke."

"Did," Sasuke corrected as he pushed himself to his feet. Despite having drunk enough to floor any normal man, he still managed to cross over to them with easy grace, flopping down to lay his head on Sakura's knee. "I'll just marry both of you."

"Sasuke, you can't- you can't just do that." Sakura protested as she dropped a hand on his head and began to pet his hair as well.

"Can," Sasuke corrected with smug superiority as he reached up to grab her hand, " 'm last of the Uchiha. Need to build up the clan. Can do whatever I want." Sakura scoffed, but before she could start listing all the things an Uchiha couldn't do, Naruto raised his head and stared at Sasuke with wet eyes.

"You'd do that teme? You'd marry us?"

"Hn." Sasuke agreed, "Last of the Uchiha." He added, unless any of them had forgotten in the last four seconds."

With a shout of joy, Naruto launched himself towards the prone boy and threw his arms around him. He may have been aiming for Sasuke's chest, but ended up burying his face in the Uchiha's stomach. When he looked up his eyes were shining.

"This is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me." He declared to Sasuke's knee in the sincerity only alcohol could bring.

"Hey!" Sakura protested, "I went on a date with you first!"

"That was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for me," Naruto repeated with the exact same enthusiasm. Before Sakura could protest that impossibility of two things both holding the title of nicest, Naruto yanked her down on top of them.

"I want a spring wedding," He told her seriously, "And I want the flowers to be cherry blossoms, because that is your name, Sakura."

"Hn," Sasuke agreed, "And a traditional, Shinto ceremony."

 _Much Later_

Sakura had to force her eyes open the next morning. Her mouth felt gross. Her stomach was rebelling. Her head ached. She was laying on the floor in their garbage strewn living room, wrapped around Naruto who was still snoring gently.

Untangling her leg from his and sliding her hand out from under his shirt, she sat up slowly and immediately regretted it. Naruto was warm and horizontal and close to the floor. Sitting up was none of those things. The shuffling of pages distracted her attention and she glanced around muzzily until she Sasuke standing in the kitchen with a sheaf of pages in his hands and a blush on his cheeks.

"Sasuke?" She questioned.

At his name, his head snapped up and the papers vanished behind his back. Sakura narrowed her eyes. What transpired was a game of hung over catch that would have brought shame to their ancestors or any shinobi passing by. Finally, Sakura won. Channeling enough chakra to pin Sasuke to the floor as she wrested the papers out of his hands.

Guest lists.

Seating arrangements

Food and caterer ideas (ramen had been crossed out and re-written several times)

Crude sketches of dresses and suits

Hastily scribbled vows

"Is this-" Sakura peered closer, "Is this a wedding plan?"

"Wedding?" Naruto's head lifted off the floor, "Congratulations. Who's getting married?"

Sakura squinted at the three stick figures drawn on a page and labeled in what might have been her handwriting. There were lots of fireworks and childish flowers surrounding the hand holding figures.

"Us? I think?"

"We're getting married?" Naruto's eyes widened in amazement, then narrowed in confusion, then widened again in understanding. With a laugh that ended with a groan and holding his head, he continued, "That's right. Teme proposed last night!"

Vague memories floated back through her painful brain which protested this amount of work so early in the morning when her bed (or the floor) was so close by. There had been marriage talk. Naruto had made them rings out of napkin scraps. They had opened a bottle of plum wine to celebrate. Sakura's eyes widened in horror.

"Yes- but- that-" Her mouth fumbled for the words her brain refused to get, "But this can't work." She finally ended up tapping the pages in explanation. Sasuke pushed himself up from under her and took the pages.

"Of course not," He agreed and Sakura felt a great rush of relief. Of course not. They couldn't get married. Teams didn't get married. For Kami's sake- she hadn't even kissed either of them!

Her relief was short lived as Sasuke continued.

"We can't have the Ino at table seven. She clearly belongs at table twelve with her team."

A/N: at some point, I may turn this into an entirely ridiculous story as Team Seven tries to get married and runs into issues. Let me know if you'd like to see that!


	10. Sasuke vs Biomed

I.

They said that medical training was hardest on the student.

They were wrong; it's hardest on his roommates.

II.

"What was that?"

As though summoned from the depths of hell, Sasuke appeared in her doorway

"Nothing," Sakura set down her report on local zoning issues and thought longingly of her days at the Academy when Sasuke had been cool. Now, with his dark glasses, stress-mussed hair, and ratty yukata, he looked vaguely homeless. Still cute in that nerdy way, but not cool. Damn you long association and medical studies to steal her childhood dreams!

"You coughed." He was agitated in that special Uchiha way that was easily confused for boredom.

"Didn't." Sakura lied firmly. She had coughed. A little. But it was because of dust! They were not going to have this conversation. Sakura had work to do. There were reports to prepare, letters to reply to, and studies on food deserts to read. The last thing she needed was her neurotic roommates "tender" and "concerned" "medical" "advice."

"There's a flu virus going around." Sasuke ignored her. "You should go to bed."

"Nope," Sakura shook her head and picked up her scroll, "Not going to bed. I am going to finish this report before the civilian council bites off my head."

"So you're stressed." Sasuke's agitation shot up another few notches; his eyebrow almost twitched, "Stress inhibits the immune system. Which makes you more vulnerable to influenza. You're going to bed."

"Sasuke- we've talked about this- you can't just-"

To be fair, catching your patient's wrist in a joint lock and frog marching them to bed was an effective strategy. But Sakura struggled to see the medical ethics of threatening to knock them out if they didn't rest.

III.

"Ah man! Fighting with Kiba is the best!" Naruto burst into the front door, excited to re-enact the fight for his fascinated team mates, "Today, he and Akamaru did this double attack thing where he-"

"Did you get hurt?" Sasuke looked up from his mountain of text books. Naruto's good mood immediately took a dive for the nervous as he looked around for Sakura. But she was still at the Hokage Tower which meant no one was home to distract the Uchiha.

"Noooo?" Naruto guessed as he slowly hid an arm behind his back. "Totally fine. Hey- what are you studying, Teme!"

His brilliant diversion tactic failed miserably, as Sasuke snapped the book closed and rose to his feet. Red bloomed in his team mate's eyes and Naruto debated making a run for the door.

"You're chakra's congregating in you left arm in a crescent shape," Sasuke snapped, "Who bit you? The boy or the dog?"

"I don't know!" Naruto cried and took a tentative step back as he tucked his hand further behind his back. Sasuke advanced on him with the most frightening of all his expressions: the one promising a great deal of medical attention, "Does it matter!"

"Of course it matters. Human mouths are filled with bacteria. We are washing out your wound."

Sasuke sat on his butt all day and read books, but he was still faster than Naruto with those damn eyes. He had Naruto in a chokehold before the jinchuriki managed to reach the door.

"gh- Teme- I'm fine. Seriously. Special healing powers, remember!"

"Hn." Don't care.

"Kyuubi powers! It's all good!" Naruto insisted as he was dragged to the bathroom.

"Hn." Bacteria!

"Teme- doctors aren't supposed to threaten their patients with kunai- ow!"

IV.

"Nope. I'm out."

Kakashi disappeared from Team Seven's training ground with a swirl of smoke and leaves. Sakura turned on her team mate with her hands on her hips.

"I told you this would happen if you wore those." She chided Sasuke. The Uchiha regarded her coolly from behind his visor, unwilling to acknowledge that there was anything wrong.

"Do you have any idea how dangerous a cornea infection is? I addition to the unimaginable pain, it can render you blind. You should be wearing goggles as well."

Sakura and Naruto exchanged an exasperated look. They had only escaped being forced into a similar fashion statement when Naruto "accidently" the pair of visors somewhere in the Forest of Death. It would be nice when Sasuke moved on from his paranoia of eye infections.

"At least don't make the glass orange?" Naruto suggested.

Sasuke sniffed, "UV radiation is also dangerous to the vision."

V.

When Sasuke needed comfort, he never asked if he could join you. Instead, he just sat down and slumped against you, assured of his welcome and your abundance of free time. He was worse than a cat, Sakura thought bitterly as she was suddenly knocked over by Sasuke's dead weight.

But, unlike a cat, Sasuke still hadn't mastered the art of cuddling. He lay still, eerily reminiscent of a corpse, oblivious to any discomfort that jutting elbows or hip bones might cause. Sakura worked a scroll out from under her ribs and tried to reposition her team mate so his chin wasn't digging quite so painfully into her shoulder.

"Sakura?"

"Mmmm?" Something really was bothering Sasuke if he was willing to talk without being goaded into answering question.

"I think I might have cancer."

"Oh?" She arched an eyebrow in question, "Why do you think that?"

"Certain viruses make you susceptible to cancers later on in life. What if, when I was sick, it was infectious mononucleosis and which makes me susceptible to throat cancer?"

"Uh." Sakura's mind went blank for a moment. Had Sasuke been sick recently? The last time she could remember her team mate ill was four years ago with a cold. "Um. What are the symptoms of throat cancer?"

"A sore or lump that doesn't heal, persistent sore throat, trouble swallowing, and changes in the voice." Sasuke answered promptly.

"Ok, and do you have any of those?"

Sasuke was quite as he thought about it, "My voice sound's different." He finally allowed.

"You don't have throat cancer."

VI.

"Sakura?" Sasuke appeared in her door way as she pulled her outfit out of her closet. "I think I have leprosy."

"You don't have leprosy." She slipped her vest over her head and zipped it up.

"I cut myself while shaving and don't feel anything." He pointed to an invisible nick on his face. From the bathroom, Naruto broke into peals of helpless laughter.

"Sasuke, you don't have leprosy."

VII.

"Why are you taking that?"

Medical students, Sakura decided firmly as she bent down to pick up the pills she dropped, should not have ninja training.

"They're aspirin." She said shortly. Another wave of pain rippled up from her lower abdomen and she swallowed the two tablets before Sasuke could stop her.

"Why are you taking aspirin? If you have the flu, you might end up with Reye's syndrome which-" He trailed off as she fixed him with her deadliest glare. She was in pain. She was crabby. The last thing she wanted to hear was Sasuke's latest paranoia.

"Cool it, teme," Naruto wandered into the kitchen and handed her the heating pad he had managed to lose in his loss of a room, "It's that time of the month."

Recognition dawned slowly on Sasuke's face, then he leaned in and asked seriously.

"Sakura, where is the pain?" When she just stared at him in fury, he continued, "Is there any chance that it could be an ectopic pregnancy?"

"Sasuke. I. Am. Bleeding." She slammed the cupboard door hard enough to make the entire cabinet shake. "Right now! I am not pregnant."

"Also, you have to have sex to be pregnant!" Naruto added helpfully. "And we all know Sakura's still- ack!" He dodged the first towel thrown at him, but the pill bottle caught him squarely in the forehead.

"Sakura, are you having sex?" Horror dawned on Sasuke's face. "With who? 25% of adults are infected with Hepatitis. Are you using protection?"

"Not having this conversation now." Sakura turned from the kitchen, heat pad clutched to her chest. "Not having this conversation ever."

"Sakura-"

"Nope!"

VIII.

"Sakura-"

"You don't have it, Sasuke. Whatever it is, you don't have it."

A/N: In which Sasuke helps me study for my Biomed board and is annoying to everyone.


	11. Three Takes on a Sakura

Warning: Swearing.

Three takes on a Sakura

I.

"Here's the thing, Hidan-" Her words were slurred with blood and she winced as fresh incisors pushed through gums.

"What the Fuck!" His voice grates like senbon over slate, "Don't get up! I fucking sacrificed you to Jashin-sama, you fucking heathen-"

"The thing," She repeated, blinking. Her vision shadows, stretching and breaking as the optic nerves regrow. Kami, it hurts. It always hurts. She planted a shaking hand and began to lever herself up. "Is that-"

"Bitch! Shut up!" Hidan howled and sliced his forearm to the bone. The ceremonial connection was faint and sluggish but hadn't dissipated. Sakura collapsed, a mirrored gash echoing through her arm. This time, she let herself stay still but couldn't restrain the rasping, wet laugh as she held her forearm up.

"You idiot." She wheezed, "Look."

Already, the gash was glowing a faint green. Muscle and tendon growing together, skin knitting until her flesh returned whole. Not even a scar remained on the pale skin.

Hidan got it, finally. "The fuck?"

"That's the thing." Sakura let her arm fall and craned her head to look at where the man was demon dressed in his circle. The medical chakra was a sharp itch over her skull, stitching together bone and brain. Filling in what was lost. "Hidan, your big move? The sacrifice to your precious Jashin-chan? It doesn't work."

"Don't you dare blaspheme against Jashin-sama, Heathen!" Hidan leveled his scythe at her, fixating as usual on the exact wrong thing.

"It doesn't work," Sakura repeated. A thousand fire ants paraded across her scalp as her hair began to unspool, growing long and jelly pink again. She held up a hand and cracked her fist, "And I haven't even started."

II.

She was a letter. A secret message to be passed between them. A safe barrier for a relationship too sharp, too painful to survive.

When Sasuke clutched at her, arms her tight enough to leave marks the next day, he wasn't trying to hold onto her.

When Itatchi rested his forehead against hers and whispered, those three words weren't meant for her.

So she carried them- the fierce embraces, the sweet words- between them like a letter.

III.

"Sakura."

Sakura glanced up from her grocery list to see Sasuke standing in the doorway, a traveling pack over one shoulder. His eyes were heavy, wary as he glanced over the two halves of the kitchen table, now neatly stacked against the far wall. One of the remnants of last nights argument.

"Do you want me-" She waved her hand vaguely to her coat, unable to repeat the oft-denied request of company. Sasuke quickly shook his head and relief loosened Sakura's shoulders. One of her greatest fears was that he would finally say yes and she'd follow him out of Konoha. Most days being in the same city was too much. She'd end up killing him if they had to camp.

The truth was Sakura preferred her Sasuke better than the real one. The Sasuke created from hours of preteen stalking and years of waiting. The Sasuke for whom she had strived, improved herself, desperately waited.

Careful what you wish for, she would have told her younger selves, he's not what you want.

"Alright. Safe travels." She turned back to her list.

Already, the tension between them was easing. Sasuke adjusted his pack and leaned forward to press his fingers against her forehead. Sakura smiled and leaned into them, just for a moment, and then Sasuke was gone. The door clicked shut behind him.

Sakura took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Finally, her home was hers again. She crumpled the grocery list, full of small delicates Sasuke enjoyed and threw it in the trash. Then she began her ritual of reorienting- straightening the couch, removing the extra reading life to the bedroom with the king sized bed, pulling out the extra pillows she enjoyed and Sasuke hated.

Sasuke loved her and she loved him desperately in return.

But if she was lucky, he'd wait a year before showing up again.

A/N: Three fragments I needed to get out of my head so I can focus on longer things. Not AU. Not really connected.


	12. Sakura Intro (Unused)

Konoha after the first round of chunin exams looked exactly like the Konoha that existed before, but it felt entirely different to the pink haired kunoichi who wandered sadly down the main streets. The cheerful vendors exchanging pleasantries and haggling over the price of eggplant were a threat of what she might become. The shinobi flying from roof top to roof top- oblivious in their flak jackets- were made her eyes sting with disappointment.

Weak.

She was weak.

Sakura blinked rapidly and walked faster, dodging reflexively through the crowd, as though she could outrun the memories of the first two Chunin tests. She had failed. Both of the tests. Tests that even Naruto, dead last and most obnoxious ninja in the universe had managed to beat.

But she, top Kunoichi of the year, cleverest ninja with perfect control, had failed. Oh, she might have passed the written exam, but she had missed the forest for the trees. Like a rookie, she had failed to look beneath the underneath of the rules- so excited to show off her cleverness to Sasuke that she hadn't realized the entire test was for her information gathering skills, not her information storing skills.

She couldn't know everything in the world and the skills of intelligence gathering and adaption was far more important than being able to calculate the velocity of a kunai thrown while executing a body switch.

And the second exam!

Sakura groaned and buried her face in her hands as the embarrassment came back, but that only caused the short feathering of her hair to brush against her cheeks. Another reminder of her utter uselessness.

It had been her time to shine- to protect her team mates and prove her worth as a ninja and member of Team Seven. And what had happened?

She needed to be rescued.

Twice.

The thought of her relief when that bowl cut freak showed up still caused her stomach to curdle. But the memory of Sasuke's harsh face when he broke that sound ninja's arms. That had already appeared in her nightmares and she wasn't sure it would ever leave.

But worst of all- worse than missing the entire point of the written exam (because at least she had passed), worse than her uselessness in the Forest of Death (because at least she had survived), worst of all was her fight with Ino.

Ino was lazy! The Yamanaka princess coasted by on her looks, her family name, and her latent ninja talent. But she never worked hard. If anything, it was a point of pride that Ino had graduated in the number two spot without exerting any effort. No wonder the instructors had assigned her to the laziest team with the laziest instructor.

Sakura knew Ino hadn't done much training. Knew that Team 10 was the weakest. Knew that she had grown, at least a little, in her training against Sasuke and Naruto.

She knew all this and she still lost to Ino in the arena. Ino had had a better plan. Had played to Sakura's worst opinions of her friend and twisted those to her advantage. Would have won. Had won, but for a freak ability of Sakura's mind scape.

Sakura couldn't even beat the ninja she had bested in the Academy standings.

She was a failure.

With a heavy step and a heavier heart, Sakura wandered Konoha wondering how a city could seem so cold and distant in less than a week.

A/N: This was the intro for a story I doubt I'll ever start.


End file.
